Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Top 10 Worst Movies of 2007

As my 2007 Year in Review begins (a little late, I know...blame the theaters in my town. A lot of contenders didn't open until last week) with my Worst of the Year Awards. Now, before I post this, I need to say that, in my opinion, 2007 was an exceptional year for movies. I haven't seen so many worthy Oscar contenders since...I don't even know when.


I also saw quite a bit of crap. Why did I see it? Let's just say that I have a weakness for spoofs and bad horror movies. I always see the latest PG-13 satire that took two months to make, hate it, and then see the sequel next year. Don't ask why.

Let's begin with the top 10 worst movies of 2007:

10. Evan Almighty
The hilarious and talented Steve Carrel and my favorite actor, Morgan Freeman, star alongside humorless comedienne Wanda Sykes and default-movie-mom Lauren Graham in this painfully unfunny sequel (kinda) to the adequately amusing 2003 Jim Carrey comedy "Bruce Almighty." This, for some reason, is a family comedy full of plenty of jokes that will amuse a 9-year-old boy, but no one else (hopefully).

9. Things We Lost in the Fire
Though this film did have a nice performance by Halle Berry and a solid first half, the second half seemed like a satire of tearjerking dramas. The movie is completely devoid of any kind of logic (the main character wants her late husband's unemployed, drug-addicted best friend--who she flat out hates--to move in?) and the direction by Susanne Bier, who seems to think that a well-made movie means cutting to an extreme close-up of someone's eye every other shot, is nothing short of appalling. I don't want to spoil the movie in case, for whatever reason, you are interested in seeing this piece of garbage, but when you find out the completely out-of-nowhere reasoning behind the title, you'll understand why I put this film on the list.

8. Spider-Man 3
I absolutely love the first "Spider-Man", and the second was just fine, but this was absolutely pitiful. 15 minutes into the movie, I was disappointed to find that Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Maguire were so clearly sick of this story. Later on, I wasn't as disappointed as I was bored and perplexed at why Sam Raimi felt it necessary to extend a 5-minute montage of Peter Parker acting like a dick into 45 minutes. Though there were some pretty entertaining action sequences, I found myself struggling to stay awake for most of the movie. How sad it is to see this franchise die.

7. Norbit
The worst reviewed movie of the year is, beyond a doubt, Eddie Murphy's laugh-free comedy "Norbit." Murphy, as you know, plays three parts, each one free from any originality or even entertainment value. The movie is basically a supplement for 12-year-olds who are in search of some more "yo mama is so fat..." jokes, but, if you ask me, it was just a bit more. It was also an opportunity for Eddie Murphy to show that he didn't learn anything after his Oscar-nominated, frontrunner performance in "Dreamgirls." It also showed that the worst reviews imaginable and a recycling bin for jokes we've seen a thousand times can still bring in major box office numbers. When will Eddie Murphy learn? Or, better yet, when will America learn?

6. The Messengers
This film was a turkey with both box office and critics and, I must say, that is refreshing. Though I will give this film credit for being a horror movie that WASN'T a remake of a Japanese one, it might as well have been. The plot is so familiar (family moves into a house in a creepy area) that you could argue that it is a remake of 90% of horror movies. Add cringe-inducing performances, a twist so bad it hurts and subtract any scares and you've got one of the worst movies of the year.

5. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Just as "Norbit" is a safe haven for fat jokes, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is a safe haven for gay jokes. Only here's the thing: it turns out that they were teaching us to love gay people! How splendid for us. Thing is, the goal was to make us laugh with some third-rate gay jokes, but then, it turns out that we weren't laughing because we're close-minded, homophobic slobs. It's because we were learning to respect everyone, no matter who they love. It felt like the School for the Blind and Deaf making Helen Keller jokes. Only not as funny.

4. Evening
So disappointing, considering that it had the best cast since "Bobby." However, this film gathered a significant portion of the most respected females working today and forgot to have a good script. Or, even more so, a good director. Oh my god! This film, at a length of 117 minutes, went on...and on...and on. And anyone who can manage to suck the acting talent out of Claire Danes, Toni Collette, Vanessa Redgrave and Glenn Close can't be very good. I will say, though, that Mamie Gummer gave a very nice performance, by somehow making lines that belong in a melodrama sound down-to-earth and emotional.

3. Ghost Rider
If Spider-Man 3 was a bad superhero movie, then I would hope you didn't see Ghost Rider. I'm just surprised that the film was made; let alone the fact that it was a hit. They had an actor with barely any range playing a mediocre superhero; a part he would have been to old for 15 years ago; and paired him up with the worst leading lady in Hollywood and a lazy special effects team. But you do have to appreciate the subtlety of this film: for example, instead of just showing the devil, you see a MAN who looks normal, but has the SHADOW of the devil. How brilliant of them.

2. Epic Movie
I have to say that this is the film I'm most embarrassed to say I admitted to seeing. The thing about this movie that bugged me the most about this movie is that it portrays a completely incorrect definition of parody. NOTE TO JASON FRIEDBERG AND AARON SELTZER (apparently, after Meet the Spartans, they really do need this): A parody is when a film, play, television show or any other medium takes some elements from a previous existing source and exaggerates it to the point where it is humorous. It is not simply referencing another publication. It is really no wonder that it took less than two months to write, shoot and edit this poor exercise in "comedy."
1. Kickin' it Old Skool
Remember this movie? No? Oh, how I envy you. You may be wondering how a comedy can possibly get worse than "Epic Movie." Well, try imagining the worst SNL skit you've ever seen expanded to 108 minutes and add Jamie Kennedy (that's right...a Jamie Kennedy movie was 108 minutes). Now take out anything you found funny, original or otherwise entertaining about that skit. That is the simple formula to the worst movie of the year.

Worst of the Year Awards will be posted tomorrow, and the nominees for the 2nd Annual Oscar Obsession Honors will be released Sunday.

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